Cell block tango
by bballgurl119
Summary: The lovely ladies of Harry Potter in The Cell Block Tango. The stories to what drove them into killing their husbands.


**Pairings:** Ginny/Harry, Draco/Pansy, Ron/Hermione, Fleur/Bill, Seamus/Lavender, Luna/Neville  
**Warnings:** Everything

* * *

_And now the six merry murderesses of the Azkaban prison_  
_In their rendition of 'The Cell Block Tango'_

_Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!_  
_Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!_  
_Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!_

_He had it coming, he had it coming!_  
_He only had himself to blame._  
_If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it,_  
_I betcha you would have done the same._

_Pop! Six! Squish! Uh Uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!_

_You know how people have these little habits._  
_That get you down, like Harry._  
_Harry liked to chew gum, no, not chew, Pop!_  
_Like, I come home this one day and I'm a little irriated and lookin' for a little sympathy  
and there's Harry_  
_Layin' on the couch chewin', no, not chewin', poppin'_  
_So, I said to him, I said_  
_"Harry, you pop that gum one more time" and he did._  
_So I took the shotgun off the wall_  
_And I fired two warning shots into his head._

I unlocked the front door, bags of recently bought goods falling out of my arms. That cashier had been such a pain. All I wanted was to use a damn gift card! She told me that I had to have a receipt, proof that someone put money on the card. The card is the proof lady! People these days I swear.

"Hey honey," I called. "Can you help me unload the car?"

"Oh you're back! Sorry didn't notice." My husband said from over on the couch. "Sorry babe, but I'm kinda busy at the moment."

I set down the bags on the kitchen counter and put my hands on my hips. "Too busy to help your wife?"

"I know this sounds bad but Gin," He tried to rationalize. "Ron and I have a bet. It's the Chudly Cannons versus the Holly Head Harpies. My vote goes to the Harpies and they're up by fifteen."

I exhaled. "Fine, but next time I go shopping you're unloading all of it." I began to empty The bags.

"Fine."

"Go wash up." I instructed. "I'm going to be making dinner soon.

"Oh, I already ate." Harry said.

I smiled. "Really? You made dinner?"

"Yeah."

I ducked down to see the contents of the fridge. "Well where is it?"

"I already ate it."

"What did you make?"

"Well, I made a sandwich."

"Did you make me one?"

"No," He informed. "You told me that you were going to cook when you got back so,"

I felt the blood in my body boil. He may be the chosen one but sure is an asshole, especially lately. I turned my head to see his most prized possession, the shotgun he practically stole from his uncle. It was lying on the table, and looked freshly polished.

"You Uhh," I began, biting my lip. "You been polishing this?". It picked it up.

Only then did he turn around to see me. "Yes, all day." He sighed. "Now can you put it down, you're getting your grubby little fingers all over it. Now I'll have to clean it again tomorrow."

"No," I smiled fatly. "I don't think you'll have too." Before Harry could even think about saying anything, I raised the gun to eye level. And pulled the trigger.

_He had it coming, he had it coming._  
_He only had himself to blame.  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have heard it  
I betcha you would  
Have done the same!_

_I met Draco Malfoy from Salt Lake city about two years ago_  
_And he told me he was single and we hit it off right away_  
_So, we started living together_  
_He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner._  
_Then I found out, single he told me, single my ass_  
_Not only was he married, oh no, he had six wives_  
_One of those Mormons, you know_  
_So that night, when he came home_  
_I fixed him his drink as usual_  
_You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!_

I found all the documents while cleaning up his closet today. If told him I would have been cleaning he probably would have moved them. First I thought 'What the Hell?" but then I dug deeper and found pictures and home movies. He told me that I was the only one for him, what lies. He was gone at work all day today, so I had time to do some planning. I heard the door open and close, my husband came in holding his briefcase and his coat.

"Hi darling." He came up and kissed me on the forehead.

"Love." I said in response.

"How was your day?" He asked innocently.

"Oh, it was great." I shrugged. "Full of surprises."

"What kind of suprises?"

I gathered up a wine glass from the cupboard and set it on the counter then popped the cork of one of our best and most expensive wines. "Well, I found forty five galleons buried in our bedroom."

"Really?"

"Yeah, cleaned the entire house." I took a small container from my pocket and unscrewed the lid. I'd payed twenty of the forty five galleons to get this. The white dust landed in the burgundy liquid before dissolving completely. I smiled slightly then carried it over to him.

"You didn't have to do that by yourself." Draco assured me and took the drink. He took a sip. "This is really good! What bottle is this?"

"It's the German one." I answered. "And to be completely honest I did have to clean by myself, or else I wouldn't have found more suprises."

He downed the last couple drops. 'That's right,' I thought. 'Drink it all up.'

"What did you find?" Wow, he almost sounded convincing. He was a true Slytherin, but then again, so am I.

"Oh in your closet!" I said calmly and walked to the kitchen. "Just a couple of picture, letters." With my back to him I could hear him coughing.

"Pansy?" He choked before he fell out of his seat and onto his knees.

"Oh and Clairessa, Heather, Haley, Samantha, Mariah and Natasha say hi." I told him, turning around and crouching down next to him.

"What did you do to me?" He asked.

"You'll see."

He collapsed on the hardwood and rolled on his back, heaving for air.

_He had it coming, he had it coming._  
_He took a flower in its prime._  
_And then he used it and he abused it,_  
_It was a murder but not a crime_

_Now, I'm standing in the kitchen_  
_Carvin' up the chicken for dinner,  
Minding my own buisness_  
_And in storms my husband Ronald in a jealous rage._  
_"You been screwin' the milkman"  
__He was crazy and he kept screamin'_  
_"You been screwin the milkman"_  
_Then he ran into my knife,_  
_He ran into my knife ten times._

The oven timer beeped, so I crawled out from under my covers on the couch to go and take it out. A steady flow of hot air came whirling out when I opened the door. It smelled so good. I'd never really been a cook, but I learned a few tips of the trade from my mother-in-law. I pulled out a hot mat from the drawer and set it on the counter, then placed the newly cooked chicken on it. I grabbed one of the carving knives from the drawer and spun it in my hand. I'd always been good with knives, even as a little kid. I guess it's just a hidden talent of mine.

As I began to cut the white meat from the bone I heard the back door slam, I turned abruptly.

"I can't believe you!" Ron screamed. "I go on a mission trip for three days and I come back to find out that you had a fling with the postal guy?" He screamed in my face.

"What?" I asked. "Ron?"

"Were you really that lonely? Did you really someone with you? Good thing I didn't call Harry, cause you probably would have done him too!"

"I dropped the knife on the counter. "Excuse me?" I stepped forward. "Let's not forget who's cheating here. You spend three of the five days you have off to go over to that slut Sandy's house across the street!"

"I help her with her cats!" He protested.

"Oh yeah. Cause that's what you do for four hours!"

"That is what I do!" He denied.

"That's not what she told me. 'Oh I'm so suprised that you two have such an open relationship, you don't seem like the type of girl to do that." She mimicked. "And I thought, What the Hell, If we have such an open relationship why can't I have a good time with someone else?"

"Sandy means nothing to me!" He shouted at the top of his lungs. "You stupid whore!"

That was it, I grabbed the knife from the counter and thrust it into his stomach. I didn't mean too, I didn't even think about it. It was if my body moved by itself. Supporting his weight on my shoulder I whispered. "I am not a whore."

A whine escaped from his throat and he fell onto the floor, in shock. Yet again, I didn't mean to, it was like my body took over. I knelt down next to him and thrust the knife down again, and again, and again.

_If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it_  
_I betcha you would have done the same_

_Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok, hogy a hires_  
_Lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg lecsaptam a fejet_  
_De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok_  
_Nem tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tettem_  
_Probaltam a rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg_

_But did you do it?_  
_Uh uh, not guilty_

I remember the worst day of my life. I had just gone to the store to get some milk, and when I came back I couldn't find my husband.

"Bill?" I called out, but didn't get an answer. "Bill?" I called again and set the gallon on the counter. "Honey are in the shower?" I turned the corner, and I screamed. There he lied, his head completely severed from his body. I paniced and grabbed the phone with shaky hands. I dialed 911.

"Hello, what is your emergency?"

I was so scared that I could only speak in French.

"Mam? Mam?" The operator said. "You need to calm down I can't understand what you're saying." Shockingly I was able to stifle my tears. "What is your name?"

"Fleur Weasley."

"And what is your location?"

I heard a creak from upstairs, what if the murderer was still in the house? I got to my feet, tossing the phone wherever and ran. I ran as fast as I could. I guess that gave the cops the wrong idea.

_My sister, Veronica and I had this double act._  
_And my husband, Seamus, traveled around with us._  
_With the last number in our act_  
_We did 20 acrobatic tricks in our world_  
_One two three four five, splits, spread eagles_  
_Flip flops, back flips, one right after the other._  
_Well, this one night we were in Cicero,_  
_The three of us, we were in this hotel room_  
_Boozin' and havin' a few laughs and we ran out of ice._  
_So I went out to get some._  
_I come back, open the door_  
_There's Veronica and Seamus_  
_Doing number seventeen, the spread eagle!_  
_Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out_  
_I can't remember a thing, it wasn't until later when_  
_I was washing the blood off my hands_  
_I even knew they were dead!_

It was a cold winter night down in America. We decided to take the tour to Las Vegas, given that Seamus had always wanted to go there. Our show was sold out and at the end we had an amazing standing ovation. So to celebrate, we ordered in pizza and drank out of the mini fridge from out hotel room. The Cicero was one of the nicest places we'd ever stayed, completely air conditioned, a nice view, I didn't think it could have gotten any better.

"Oh damn," I swore. "We ran out of ice." I tilted the container and only water dripped out.

"Well, go get some sis." Veronica shoved me playfully.

"Be right back." I got up. "Now don't get to frisky when I'm gone." I joked drunkenly. They both laughed.

I clambered down the stairs because the elevator was taking to long. When I got to the ice machine, I nearly ran into it because of my drunken daze. I pressed the button and ice came pouring out. I filled the bucket then got an idea. I crouched down and put my mouth underneath the nozzle and hit the button ice came running into my mouth. I chewed on it on my way back to the room. When I opened he door I couldn't believe what I saw.

There she was Veronica, spread eagle on my husband Seamus beneath the sheets. I slammed the door, and that's when they recognized me.

"Lavender!" Seamus said completely shocked, he threw Veronica off him. She rushed to pull the sheets over her chest. "I didn't think you'd be back so quickly."

"I can't believe you!" I shouted and slammed the container on the desk. "You're my husband you made a commitment to me! You said you loved me!" I turned to my sister. "And you you're my sister! You're not suppost to do shit like this."

"Lavender, I'm sorry."

"No you're not." I corrected him and wiped my eyes sitting on the opposite bed. I reached for the sidetable.

"What are you doing?" Veronica asked.

"Calling 911." I ripped the phone and the receiver from the wall and bludgeoned Seamus in the head with it. He fell on the carpet. I continued to hit him until his face was so bloodied that you wouldn't had been able to tell it was him. Veronica screamed. I darted towards her and fueled by rage I wrapped my hands around her throat. She began to struggle and kick but I was too strong and there was no way I was letting go. Her face went blue, and only seconds later she was limp.

I took the phone from off the floor and plugged it back into the wall. Somehow, it still worked. I did what I told them I was doing.

"Hello, what's your emergency?" The operator asked.

"Yes hello. I would like to report two dead bodies at the hotel Cicero."

_They had it coming, they had it coming_  
_They had it coming all along_  
_I didn't do it, but if I'd done it_  
_How could you tell me that I was wrong?_

_I loved Neville Longbottom more then I could possibly say, he was a real artistic guy,  
sensitive, a painter_  
_But he was always trying to find himself_  
_He go out every night looking for himself_  
_And on the way, he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving.  
I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences_  
_He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead._

Neville was never really, work material. He wasn't good with other people, he never learned to stand up for himself or ask questions. He was kind of skittish, but that's what I loved about him. That's why he took up painting, because he was his own boss and no one could boss him around. He worked on his own time. When we were dating I was his muse, but when we were married I guess he got tired of painting the same thing so he'd go out on the town to get inspirations.

Little did he know that when he was on the town learning about what to paint next, I was learning about his secret love life. I found evidence of four different affairs. One with Ruth, a local librarian. Another with Gladys, a model. With Rosemary, a young art student. And Irving, a contractor. I can't tell you that there was much dialog when I killed my husband, other than the desperate tries to escape the belt around his neck.

_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum_  
_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum_

_They had it comin', they had it comin'_  
_They had it comin' all along_  
_'Cause if they used us and they abused us_  
_How could they tell us that we were wrong?_

_He had it coming, he had it coming_  
_He only had himself to blame_  
_If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it_  
_I betcha you would have done the same_

_You pop that gum one more time_  
_Single my ass_  
_Ten times_  
_Miert csukott Uncle Sam bortonbe_  
_Number seventeen, the spread eagle_  
_Artistic differences_  
_I betcha you would have done the same!_

* * *

A/N: Oh wow, it's never been so painful to write a fanfic before. Hermione killing Ron, Luna killing Neville and Lavender Killing Seamus, nearly broke my heart. I just discovered this song and fell in love with it and everything I love I assosiate with Harry Potter somehow so here it is.


End file.
